The last entry
As I passed the day of my birth, I found myself looking back over my life's latest of disappointments, another promise not fulfilled with a whimper of imposition should it be pushed and realized the total folly of my life.
I arrived with the knowledge borne of a thousand years and multiple lives and dimensions as do all creatures. I managed to maintain the memories of most of it. I was told by being better than myself, that was a feat within itself. I knew, not thought or imagined, that all things were interconnected and that we each play our individual roles in the maintenance and creation of the whole and in return the whole supports, nurtures and maintains us to our full potential in every dimension and life.
Well, that's the way it is supposed to work. That's the way I was to demonstrate it working but from the very beginning I was nothing more than the shiny thing someone possessed, taken out for display, ideas hidden in a box until they were profitable to someone or shredded when they were threatening to their way of life and so I returned to my room, shut up and kept the hundreds of stories in my head.
As I look back at the very real pictures of my life I suddenly saw that I really was beautiful mostly clothed in cheap rags and seldom even allow out on display unless it was for profit. I saw that none of the pictures were for me. I was the picture for someone else, nothing more than a cheap stage prop. The curtain I was behind was a lead door.
What I know is only useful if it agrees with the opinion of my keepers. What I built is only mine when it is useful to someone else and then, I can shut up and live at someone's whim and in someone's way and manner. It is not mine. It will be destroyed if I do not play.
I seldom mention or even hint that family whether blood or gathered is supposed to work as an interconnected body with each person fulfilling their role that is fulfilling to them and the family should fit into the needs of the whole. That doesn't mean that each person should be working at an artificial job to bring in artificial money so the family can buy more props to drown themselves in so they don't remember life is supposed to actually feel good not be a roller coaster you ride for the highs created by someone who you never see or know pulling the strings.
Ah, but that point is moot and contrary to designs of those that control my life and probably yours. The world is run by users who destroy anything they think threatens them by being greater than them if they can't keep it under complete control.
I have reached the point I am too old to care about myself any more and too tired to care about you. I pet my cat and the high point of my life is winning a cute little animal in a virtual world that has no resemblance nor relevance to the real world. I am dead inside and the outer shell will follow the inner shortly. That is the way of the universe. First you wind down on the inside and then the outside goes with it because it is the joy, the contentment and the accomplishments on the inside that keep the outside living and moving. I pack my memories, my stories, my knowledge and the few accomplishments I still hold dear in a tiny piece of my mind's tattered grid of electrical impulses and throw the wall switch. Another day ended, a time of sleep and then back to the virtual world to win another electrical pretty animal that cannot do anything to or for me emerging only when my skill is profitable to another person. Safety into oblivion as all the other dimensions in which I live are as bad or worse than this one.
I guess failed my primary purpose. I hope those that succeeded, who followed their dreams and ambitions, who worked so very hard at building walls and sewing black curtains, have found their happiness in my failure but then again that is so very wrong....they never care in the first place what happens to their tools and I am just a tool. Back into the drawer with me.....Too bad they never knew I would have just made them greater.