The Old Fogy’s New Year’s Eve Guidelines
Yes, I am officially an Old Fogy. I have no idea exactly what that means because my short term memory is shot the long term one is a little foggy…..oh, that’s it!
Anyway, for those of you noticing your phone directory has more doctor’s numbers than friend’s numbers and you’ve learned to use the delete function because a lot of those friend’s aren’t coming back, I have come up with New Year’s Eve guidelines.
First off, we no longer have to worry about our friends driving drunk. Since their bedtime is at 8:30, we worry about them driving sleepy and then cancelled the party idea because everyone is going to be celebrating in bed anyway. That also eliminated the search for the perfect party dress since all we need is our ratty, comfy pajamas.
We no longer have to search for the perfect stupid party hats to embarrass our friends with pictures in the morning of their antics. We have a closet full of stupid hats to cover our hair loss. At least the kids call them stupid. We call them thrifty from the craft store. Can you beat 99 cents in several colors?
We have replaced the silly party horns with a more organic solution: blowing our noses. Either our noses have gotten bigger or louder, we don’t know which, but they are the only things on us guaranteed to run after dark.
Now when it comes to confetti, that is totally out. No way we are moving the once a month vacuuming date up for that stuff!
However, that has not dulled the celebratory mood, providing we can stay awake. Most of us are counting on some idiot neighbor with fireworks to wake us up at the right time. We have all bought a bottle of some bubbly to share with the cat at midnight. Some of us had to check our list of drug interactions before buying and I can pretty much guarantee on our budgets, the word champagne is not on the label.
We will be starting our celebration around 11 PM because it will take an hour get the stopper out of the stupid bottle. Why don’t they make twist tops in this stuff???
Come midnight we will be having the celebratory toast not to the wonders of a new year filled with possibilities but the happiness we actually survived another year with minimal wear and tear on our bodies. Then, we will drink the rest of the bottle not to get wasted but to make sure it doesn’t go to waste. It did cost 4.99 after all…..
c Janice Scott-Reeder
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